I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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