Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
