I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
