I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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