My first STD was from a foam party
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
