drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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