when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
id be glad to
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
