you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
