if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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