I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
