my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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