You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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