The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Still dying that you shit outside
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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