i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
