It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
