i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
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I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
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Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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