Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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