I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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