you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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