I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
