Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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