cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
