I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
