just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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