wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
