he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
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