take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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