This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
