My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
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I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
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I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.