your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️