The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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