ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
21 MILFs That Made The Boys Crazy
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
23 Ladies Who Have Mastered The Art Of Squirting
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid