I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
