Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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