At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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