I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
