Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
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Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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