she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
