Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
