I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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