wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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