Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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