I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
