walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
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