Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
