So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
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you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
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I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize