so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
