i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
