Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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