His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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