I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
