i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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