there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
