I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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