all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
