His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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