someone threw a dead crab at me
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
