Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
